Heart beats fast, no colours, no promises.
Just a feeling of dread and overwhelming perception of impending failure. Again. What if I say, “Hi” and she acts like I’m bugging her?
What if she’s as happy to see me and we end up dating and I hurt her? What if she crushes what’s left of my heart, if we do have coffee?
I pray to God everyday to help with the loneliness. I pray for help with all the thoughts I have to process at the day’s end. About that gaping hole that shows up after ‘by C.O.B’.
For instance, a tale of why not me (and other short stories). The other morning I went to pick up a ‘viazi karai’ order, because I needed to have it before the neighborhood chef’s delivery hours begun. Once outside her door, I heard, “Sweety, please get the door coz my hands are in a state”. Then came this gentleman, smiling from ear to ear, to usher in his wife’s customer. Why wouldn’t he be smiling, with all the aromas emanating from their kitchen? Bigger question is, why can’t I smile like that every Saturday morning? Not for customers, because that’s something I’m blessed to experience from Monday to Friday, but Lord, an amazing cook would be an appreciated advantage to all the amazing qualities I’ve prayed for. Haha.
And what advantage would I bring to the table? What advantage can come from a life like mine? What if she carries with her a disadvantage that would cripple any little energy left in my limbs? I’ve got no more room for pain and hurt, but I want to see and be seen more than ever before.
Every morning I ask God, “Is this the day I meet her?” Yet every day I get in His way, with my dread and all. How does everyone else do it? Surely, I can’t live with that. I’m not that smart. I cannot be that resilient. Is there anyone out there who’s that strong, and yet gentle enough to handle a paradox such as myself?
Every day I walk around believing, more and more, a lie that stays in the way of what I want the most.
Every day this lie fuels strong feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy and sheer fright. The lie that marriage might not be for people like me. So, every time God presents me with an opportunity to make a move on His answer to my unrelenting prayer, I freeze, at best. Run sometimes. The worst is self sabotage; pick a fight I know I can’t win so that it’s a wrap before we ever have anything to unwrap together, as newly weds do.
Today, I start saying a new prayer: Oh God, please show me how to overcome my fear.
Love it 🤗
I love love this one 😍